If one thing can be clear from what happened to President Bush during his surprise “goodbye” visit to Iraq, It’s that the clothing threat toward public speakers can no longer be brushed aside. Terrorism is a disease which has infected civilized society world wide, and has now spread to the fashion industry.

 

Gone are the days when security can simply pat someone down and see if his pockets are devoid of any weapons. The pocket IS the weapon. A trained clothing terrorist can easily use a pocket to cover his victim’s mouth, serving as a makeshift muzzle to muffle any cries for help. (lint balls can help amplify this effect.)

 

Upset about taking your shoes off at the airport. Well now your not gonna get em back. How do ya like dem apples.

 

If the above seems scary, that’s because it is.

 

But do not fret. The following are some tips any public speaker can use to increase their safety and foil even the most trendy of clothing terrorists.

 

Lets start with the basics.

 

Eye Contact:

This is no longer merely a matter of keeping your audience engaged. It is about engaging the audience. You need to know who is out there and where the next Prada missile may come from. Feel free to stare and intimidate your audience.  It might not get you elected but hey, safety first.

 

Use The Podium:

The podium is a tool for any speaker, no matter their stature, to look dominant and imposing right?

 

Wrong. It’s a place to duck.

 

Let your ego take the shot for you. Frankly, a little blow to the ego of some of these politicians could be just the thing we’re looking for to stimulate clean politics. 

 

Following the shield theme, be sure to hold any papers or index cards directly in front of your face. Even trigger happy shoe slingers are hesitant to fire if they can’t see their targets face. Not because their afraid of inaccurate aim but they want to see that “what the heck” look when they fire. (Sick people).

 

Hand Gestures:

If your using the teleprompter and you don’t have papers to guard you, be sure to use hand gestures.  Subtlety is a thing of the past. Use the “Helicopter” method where you vigorously wave your hands in large concentric circles in front of your face. This might require some cardio training so make sure you hit the treadmill a good few weeks before an important speech. This factor might allow us to see more youngins making it to the fore in politics. (always look for the silver lining.)

 

Don’t be shy to brainstorm with security about extra precautions that may be taken.  For example make it a requirement for all speech attendees to have to ware laced shoes, triple knotted, before being allowed in. This will buy security some time to spot a potential shoe slinger long before he has the chance to fire, and then take him out first with a loafer of their own.

 

This list is certainly not an all inclusive text book, but hopefully it will prepare our next generation of leaders for the dangers of the modern world. A world where great powers must be careful not to taint their humanitarian self images. Even if it means that a far weaker society with ungrateful sentiments, in spite of all efforts invested to free them of despotism and rebuild their country, are no longer afraid to dress to kill.